Harry Potter and the Arrival of the Mary Sue
by Zoz
Summary: (COMPLETE) Don't worry, I'll try to kill you if you are evil and snog you senseless if you are good...And I'm sure another banal author will resurrect you if you happen to die, Harry said to Mary Sue whose face began to pale.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Harry Potter and the Arrival of the Mary Sue

**Author name:** ZOZ  
**Author email:** Zozum56@hotmail.com  
**Category:** Humor  
**Keywords:** Harry, Mary Sue  
**Rating:** PG  
**Spoilers:** SS/PS, CoS, PoA, GoF  
**Summary:** A short parody based on Harry Potter meeting the typical transfer Mary Sue.  
**DISCLAIMER:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.   
**Author notes: **I wrote this because I was getting a bit sick of running across so many OC that were Mary Sues!  Please at least write OCs believable!

                                                                               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Harry looked up and saw that the Sorting had begun.  _Finally!  Ah.  It's the Mary Sue…here to do wandless magic, be my beautiful girlfriend with a mysterious past, and defeat Voldemort single handedly while I am tied up, hurt, or somewhere else._  

_And it's about bloody time!  I was a bit sick of being the bloody savior every waking moment._  The hat yelled out Gryffindor for the whole hall to hear and Mary Sue walked over to my table.  _Of course the Mary Sue would be sorted into Gryffindor.  It would be too confusing for the dim-witted author to actually consider another house and it may mess with the plot.  Curse that Mary Sue for being so perfect, _I thought as she seductively walked across the room_.  Sigh, she's another transfer American Muggle born Mary Sue too.  I can tell.  I wonder if there are factories that mass produce those little buggers._  

She stuck out her hand.  

"I'm…"  

"Mary Sue," I answered.  "I know, you're famous in the fanfiction world."  

"Really?"  

"Really.  Don't worry I'll try to kill you somehow if you are evil or snog you senseless if you are good."  

"Ah," she said nervously.

"Don't worry if you die I am sure another banal author will resurrect you."

"Ah!" she said and visibly brightened.

"So hanging out with Voldemort, yet?" I questioned.

"Classified," she smiled.  "It would ruin the climax, if it came out now, you understand? It's only the first chapter!  No hard feelings?"

"Oh, of course not.  Is there anything else I should know?"

"I've had a troubled past with mysterious and suspicious details," she answered and flicked her eyes over to Draco.   _So she is trying to be a complex Mary Sue.  Hmmm…feelings for Malfoy and possible feelings for me.  I sense conflict…at least maybe I will have some witty banter scenes with Draco.  Then after this trite story, we can go snog senseless.  Yea, he would like that._

"You aren't related to me, are you?" I asked and prayed not because that meant no snogging for me because incest just isn't cool unless it is adding to my angst and making me turn evil.

"No."

"Related to Dumbledore?"

"Maybe."

"Voldemort?"

"Possibility."

"You're lying!"

"Most likely."

I sighed.  She was a frustrating Mary Sue and no doubt I would have sleepless nights trying to uncover her mystery.  Maybe Hermione would help me out.  Unless she and Ron were snogging senseless in some dark corner.  Damn, I'll probably feel lonely about that, too.  At least until Mary Sue and I hook up and then she will cheat on me with Draco.  Sigh.  I am in for some serious angst.  _Damn you, Mary Sue!      _

"Can you do wandless magic?"

"Of course. I am a Mary Sue!"  We both laughed at this joke.  

"Are you an Animagus?"

"That too."

"Resist the Unforgivables?"

"Yup!"

"Heir of some House?"

"Hufflepuff."

"Funny," I mused, "A lot of the Hufflepuff Heirs end up in Gryffindor.  Sometimes Ravenclaw too."

"Is there anything you can't do?" I questioned.

"Nope.  I'm flawless, hence my Mary Sue-ism."

"Ah," I said and nodded.

And she nodded with me, but she was not really paying attention for instead her eyes wandered to the High Table.  She gasped and looked faint.

"Someone from your past?"  She avoided my gaze.  _Bingo! It was probably Snape.  He had a dark mysterious past that would fit right in with a Mary Sue._

"So what do you want to do?"  She looked at me with those perfect eyes and perfect hair and smiled, perfectly.  I felt my knees go weak even though she was a Mary Sue.

"We could go snog," she answered.

"Ah.  Perfect idea, as always," I said.  _Hell even though I had just met her, I had to get all the snogging in before she started cheating on me with Draco and I got all depressed.  If worse comes to worse and she is evil…I could kiss her to death.  And they say love conquers all.  I wonder if "they" ever met a Mary Sue._


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** Harry Potter and the Arrival of the Mary Sue (2)

**Author name:** ZOZ  
**Author email:** Zozum56@hotmail.com  
**Category:** Humor  
**Keywords:** Harry, Mary Sue  
**Rating:** PG  
**Spoilers:** SS/PS, CoS, PoA, GoF  
**Summary:** A short parody based on Harry Potter meeting the typical transfer Mary Sue.  
**DISCLAIMER:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.   
**Author notes: **I decided to continue on with this…for how much longer I cannot say.  It is a bit fun to write because I love poking fun at people…call it a character flaw if you will, I simply won't listen. J  Enjoy.  My other fanfiction is Harry Potter and the Magical Muggle (you should read it)…that is actually serious though…not everything can be amusing, but everyone can try. J  Thanks at all who reviewed my first chapter! 

                                                                               ~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Potions class_, I thought, _Bugger!_

            And of course I got paired with Mary Sue because that's number two on the list of "How to make Harry Potter and Mary Sue a Couple."  Believe me, such a list exists…Hermione, Ron, and I found it once and they haven't let me live it down since.  Personally, I was hoping we were going to try number one though because at least that one is kinky!  Sigh, I guess my author doesn't want to up the rating to R and lose some of her readers.  _Damn her and damn you too!_  I honestly didn't see the point of going to all this trouble since we are snogging in the Astronomy Tower every night, but who am I to question the plot line?

            Suddenly Snape was at my desk looking peeved.

            "Well Mr. Potter?" he said and sneered.  _When doesn't he sneer_? I wondered.  The authors should really only comment on his facial expressions when he doesn't because it wastes precious space to mention it.  Maybe I will bring it up at the next author-character meeting.  Snape sneered again and then repeated his question.  _Maybe not_, I thought, _he probably likes any face time he can get._

            "ER…well, I…" stammered and trailed off.  _I'm a bit clueless for such a powerful wizard, _I reflected_.  Part of my boyish charm, I assume?_  Suddenly there was a strange tingling in the back of my head.

            * Harry? * 

            *Ah, yes Mary Sue? * I thought back tentatively.

            * I'm telepathic. *

            * Oh, of course you are.  You are a Mary Sue. *

            * Right! * she sent back brightly.  And damn do I hate it when she is chipper.  We are in the middle of freaking Potions class…get some good depressed feelings, would you?  Or at least wipe that grin off your face!

* How can I answer your telepathic thoughts since I am a real character and thus confined by simple rules of logic? * I thought back instead.  _It's really hard being a real character_, I mused, _especially the title character to boot_.  _Sometimes I actually have to make tough decisions._

_No, not really,_ I thought and shook my head._  But being a damn puppet doesn't really play on anyone's sympathy card, so I like to embellish a bit.  Okay, maybe a lot.  So sue me!  It's already been done you say?  So is Mary Sue, but no one is stopping that!_

* Ah well, once I make the connection, then it's all downhill after that * she replied.  And of course I am not going to question that logic, because I know a plot hole when I see it.  Instead, I am going to nod convincingly and then get really defensive when people mention it in the reviews.  _Brilliant plan as always, Mr. Potter_, I commended myself...in my head of course.

* So are you going to tell me what Snape is going on about? *

* Of course, Harry, that is why I chose to reveal my powers to begin with *

* Isn't that really foolish to reveal that secret for only a mere answer and the avoidance of a possible detention with Snape *

* Nah, I'm Mary Sue.  I know what I am doing.  Besides if you get detention, we wouldn't be able to snog in the Astronomy Tower tonight! * 

I wipe a tear from my eye. _Damn, I'm going to miss Mary Sue when she starts cheating on me with Draco_.  _She really is a thoughtful girl.  Too bad she can't be faithful as well. But at least I don't have to worry about her tragic flaw for another couple chapters or so._  _So my motto is_: _enjoy it while it last!_


	3. Chapter 3

**Title:** Harry Potter and the Arrival of the Mary Sue (3)

**Author name:** ZOZ  
**Author email:** Zozum56@hotmail.com  
**Category:** Humor  
**Keywords:** Harry, Mary Sue  
**Rating:** PG  
**Spoilers:** SS/PS, CoS, PoA, GoF  
**Summary:** A short parody based on Harry Potter meeting the typical transfer Mary Sue.  
**DISCLAIMER:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.   
**Author notes: **And the amusement continues.  It is quite fun to right parodies…and to those who are worried about my other fic, Harry Potter and the Magical Muggle…don't worry.  I am still working on it.  A new chapter should be out in a week or so.  So hold your horses…there is hope.  It is unfortunately taking me longer than I thought.  But have no fear, my muse should be on its way.  So while you are waiting…enjoy this chapter! 

                                                                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was Quidditch season...FINALLY!  And with that came the dreaded try-outs.  Of course old members didn't have to try-out again so I was home free.  It was a good feeling.  _Yes, yes it was_.

Unfortunately, Gryffindor had the most players to replace out of all the other houses.  Four people.  It doesn't seem like a lot but when there are only seven players on the field…it was over half the team!!  (Major snaps to Hermione for quick math!)

_We are doomed.  _And I don't mean to sound melodramatic, but it was true.  We didn't have a chance in hell of winning the Quidditch cup this year.  We needed a miracle!

And that was exactly what we got.  In the shape of one Mary Sue-like package.

She was BRILLIANT!  There was no other way to describe the way she flew…like poetry in motion or some other form of sentimental cliché.  She ducked and swayed, bobbed, and weaved like a drunkard sailor.  It was great…it was absolutely what we needed.  

Hey, we figured if we couldn't have talent…why not just scare the other teams shitless!

I had the Weasley twins working on the delicate skill of taunting the other players…we were hoping that the other teams would get so angry that they would completely forget about Quidditch and come at us with fists.  Then Mary Sue would show off her incredible flying talent while the other chasers will cackle evilly while humming the tune to "Mission Impossible." While everyone was busy avoiding disaster with Mary Sue's erratic flying, I would swoop in and grab the Snitch.  The main problem of the plan was that there was no way in HELL that this was going to work… well maybe once (I reasoned)…but for a second and third game, it looked doubtful, unless we were playing Hufflepuff because they were just plain pathetic.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't praise Merlin that I wasn't sorted into those yellow loving fools.

After I explained "The Plan" to everyone, they all looked more depressed.  

If that was possible.  

Hermione gave me that look that said, "you're the savior of the wizardry world…and this is the _best_ you could come up with?" with the patented eye roll and raised eyebrow.  

So, I couldn't plan.  Yup, that was my dirty little secret.  I was more of a spontaneous type of guy who leapt before I looked, but it hasn't steered me wrong in the past… right?

Until she brought up Snape/Philosopher's Stone disaster, the Chamber of Secrets almost death, the Dementors' kiss incident, The Second Task and the gillyweed…so apparently my track record wasn't the cleanest…but whose was?  I mean who was THAT perfect.

Someone cleared her throat and I felt a tap on my shoulder.  I turned around.  There was Mary bloody Sue staring me in the face.  

_Right! Damn perfect Mary Sue.  Well, maybe she should be the Quidditch captain.  Not the youngest seeker in over a century.  I'm sure that she has credentials…probably perfect ones too!_  I was fuming mad at this point and nothing was making it better.  Especially not when Mary Sue started handing out buttons that read:

                            Support Mary Sue: The Real Hogwarts Celebrity (in glaring scarlet) 

                                                Which quickly changed into:

                                    POTTER STINKS! (And is Bad in Bed!) (in accusing emerald)

I had a sinking suspicion that she and Draco collaborated on the project.  _I mean she did miss that snogging session in the Astronomy tower last week…Was she growing sick of me_, I wondered.  (And you would have thought that the whole "POTTER STINKS!" would have given me a clue…but it didn't.  What can I say my clueless ness is a part of my boyish charm!)  I looked sadly over at Mary Sue who was gleefully wearing her button with pride (a bit egotistically if you ask me…but hey!) and I thought any day now I am going to catch Mary Sue and Draco in the Astronomy Tower snogging.  And I knew that it would break my heart.  

_Well, until the next Muggle born Mary Sue rolled into town that is._  And I looked at my watch…_that should be any chapter now,_ I thought as I smiled knowingly.  _Watch out Draco…my Mary Sue is going to kick your Mary Sue's arse!_


	4. Chapter 4

**Title:** Harry Potter and the Arrival of the Mary Sue (04/04)  
**Author name:** ZOZ  
**Author email:** Zozum56@hotmail.com  
**Category:** Parody  
**Sub Category:** Humor  
**Keywords:** Harry Mary Sue Quidditch  
**Rating:** PG  
**Spoilers:** SS/PS, CoS, PoA, GoF  
**Summary:** A short parody based on Harry Potter meeting the typical transfer Mary Sue.  
**DISCLAIMER:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.   
**Author notes:** I believe this is the end, kiddies.  As amusing as this project has been, all good things must come to an end.  But I eagerly await the next book…June 21st!  Maybe there will be a sequel to this fanfic, but I wouldn't hold your breath.  In case you are wondering, I am finally almost done with the next chapter of Harry Potter and the Magical Muggle…I should have it done in about 2 weeks time…enjoy the nice weather and get out some!  Remember nobody likes a coach potato. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Then in the middle of lunch one day, Professor Dumbledore rose to make an announcement.  _I personally thought it was a bit rude since I was in the middle of my sandwich, but I let it pass since it was the headmaster and it would probably be somewhat important.  And that was a BIG probably._

"We have a new student joining us today, please give a warm welcoming to…" Professor Dumbledore proclaimed.

            _At last, _I thought.  _Here was Mary Sue, the second!  Draco should be quaking in his little dragonhide booties by now!_  I rubbed my hands together gleefully and gave a little cackle.  _My love life isn't going down the crapper!  Yes!  _

"…Gary Stu!  Gary Stu was recently studying at a magical school in the States, but has come to Hogwarts to experience British culture and grow as an individual while emotionally healing from his mysterious and painful past," Dumbledore explained with a twinkle in his eye.

            _Bloody hell!  Where was Mary Sue number two?  My new girlfriend, my protector, my snogging partner, my evil Draco arse kicker!  _I really want to kick something at that moment.  _And yes, Draco's arse would do._

            As I looked up from my sandwich (which didn't really seem so appealing anymore), Dumbledore was still rambling- whoops! explaining about the wonders that were Gary Stu.  "Since it is the middle of November, Gary Stu had a private sorting…" (Hermione whispered beside me, "Wow, we haven't had a private sorting in a little over eighty years.  I read that in Hogwarts: A History.  Thomas Riddle was the last!")   I glanced at her and she at me and we knew trouble was on the way.  "After much debate, Gary Stu was placed in Slytherin.  I am sure that the rest of your house will welcome you with open arms."

            _And that right there kiddies sealed Gary Stu's fate.  He was decidedly evil and was immediately put on the "Do NOT Send A Christmas Card To List."  And believe me such a list exists, Hermione, Ron, and I found it once and…(Whoops!  A bit of deja vu from Chapter 2!)_

Anyways, Gary Stu walked quickly over to Draco and gave him a huge grin.  They clasped their hands together followed by the man hug and I just knew that they would become fast friends.

            _Well, birds of a feather flock together, _I thought darkly followed by the patent "Evil gits!" phrase by Ron.  I was still a bit peeved that Mary Sue number two turned out to be Gary Stu number one, but I suppose I must adjust and try to use this to my advantage somehow.

            After lunch was over, Gary Stu caught me in the halls.

            "So you are Harry Potter…"

            "Yup."

            "Defeater of Voldemort…"

            "Yup."

            "Gryffindor Seeker…"

            "Yup."

            "Hogwarts Golden Boy…"

            "Yup."

"Triwizard Champion…"

            "Yup."  (And I was beginning to wonder if there was some sort of point to this conversation because I was going to be late to Herbology and Professor Sprout was not so pleased when this happens.  She usually had the plants take out her revenge for her and believe me it wasn't pleasant.  Take the Devil Snare incident back in second year.  It wasn't so much that Ron couldn't relax (well it was a little bit of that), it was mostly that he had been tardy to Herbology twenty times that semester!)

            "Just to let you know, all my nights are currently free and open if you know what I mean," he said with a wink.

            And since I am such the innocent, I really didn't have a clue what he meant and settled with a "Huh?" for the response.

            "Snogging, Astronomy Tower, Us…Do I have to draw you a picture?" he asked with one eyebrow raised.

            "But you're a Slytherin and evil and well a BOY!  And then there is Mary Sue…  And I just, well I…" and I began to trail off helplessly while turning that delightful shade of red that some people swoon over.

He chuckled and moved closer.  "You're dating my twin sister, Mary Sue?"  At which I nodded my head.  "But I thought Draco was…?"  At which I shook my head.

            "Not until Chapter Five or Six!" I answered accordingly.  "But, they don't really love each other and it all just teenage hormones and lust."

            "So maybe when you break up with her?" he asked hopefully.

            But I shook my head.  "I'm not gay in this fanfiction," I hissed under my breath.  "Maybe after this over, we could go snog senseless but right now it would be inappropriate.  Flames and such and there were no disclaimers that it was slash.  You know, general procedure!"

            Gary Stu just looked impatient.  "So when do you think this fanfiction is going to end?"

            Harry laughed.  "Oh man…you really have no clue!  You do realize that seven out of ten fanfictions never get finished.  So that was me saying a polite "no way in hell"!  And besides Draco would kill me if I did anything with you.  He is a bit possessive and the love of my life."

            "WHAT?!"

            I turned around and there was Mary Sue.  She didn't look quite so beautiful now that she was cracking her knuckles and shooting daggers at me via her eyes.  "You're cheating on me with **DRACO**?!" she seethed.  

_Hmmm…_I mused_.  Now isn't that just bloody ironic.  She was supposed to be cheating on ME with DRACO and now I had stolen him from her.  _It was so bloody amusing and I couldn't help but laugh.  Apparently that was the wrong action because she advanced toward me with a fire in her eyes while I began quickly retreating from her enraged form.  She raised her hand to slap me, but someone caught her wrist and pushed her away.

"Don't you dare touch him," Draco said angrily and positioned himself between Mary Sue and myself.  "You sodding American cliché.  I can't believe you have lasted this long and now it seems that you have multiplied yourself.  Congratulations on asexual reproduction, but I think this copy is a bit off," he mocked and motion towards Gary Stu, who looked a bit offended.

"Draco, what about being buddies and brothers-in-arms, and the man hug?  Surely you haven't forgotten the man hug?" Gary Stu explained quickly while looking confused how Draco could be behaving nasty and towards him no less!

"That was before you started to seduce my boyfriend.  Now, all bets are off!" Draco warned threateningly and pulled me close to him in a protective fashion.

"But, I thought Harry wasn't gay in this fanfic…he said so himself!" Gary Stu exclaimed.

"Why did you hit on him then?" Draco countered and began stroking my hair gently with his hands.  _And I had to admit that it felt wonderful.  This was truly heaven to be in Draco's arms while feeling loved and protected.  If I only I could get Mary Sue to stop screaming, "Why, why!" at the top of her lungs life would be good.  Nah, I take that back… life would be fabulous._

Meanwhile as I was musing within my head of course, Gary Stu was throwing up his hands mumbling about plot inconsistencies and the confusion over my sexuality.  He looked like he wanted to comfort his twin, but then he thought better of it as she began to scream louder and throw her hands around in an erratic fashion.  And I knew our privacy was soon to be breached because she was making so much noise that I was surprised that half the school was not here trying to figure out what the commotion was over.

Unfortunately the noise piqued the interest of the two people that I did not want to see right now.

My two best friends: Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger.

"MALFOY!  What are you doing to Harry!  Get away from him you-you EVIL GIT!" Ron yelled while becoming red in the face.  _Unfortunately, Ron and Hermione didn't quite know about Draco's and my secret relationship.  _

_Hell, even I didn't know about it until the writers sprung it on me in the last author character meeting.  Let me tell you that accidental magic definitely happen after that revelation._

"I thought you were with Mary Sue?" Hermione asked.

"Well…not exactly.  I just don't feel the same way about her as I did in chapter one," I explained.  "I think she is plotting against me with Voldemort, too," I added in a whisper.

"Thank god!" Ron and Hermione exclaimed in unison.

            "What?? I thought you loved Mary Sue.  She was helping you in your classes, Hermione, and helping you at chess, Ron.  And she was the savior to all our Quidditch problems, too," I mused.

            "Not bloody likely," Ron said and snorted.  "Actually, Hermione and I were quietly waiting until she either got murdered, betrayed you to Voldemort, cheated on you, got resorted, or any combination of the above.  Our last ditch effort was to wait until June 21st when the new book would be released.  That way it would solve the dilemma of your significant other and effectively kill some of these fifth year American born transfer students.  I mean, how unoriginal can you get!" Ron huffed and crossed his hands over his chest.

            "In fact I have decided to abandon S.P.E.W for now and work on my new project," Hermione replied, "Well, until June 21st that is," she added hastily.  She handed him a button, which was a brilliant shade of blue with the anagram R.E.T.C.H across it. 

"What does it stand for?" I asked quizzically.

Hermione looked a bit miffed that I couldn't figure it out, but answered anyways.  "Well, it stands for '**R**eestablishing **E**minence **T**o **C**anon **H**umdrum.'"  And she stamped her foot in impatience.

I gave her a blank look followed by a weak smile, but I paid the two sickles joining fee and pinned the damn badge to my robes.  Hermione could get pretty scary when she didn't get her way. 

Ron poked Hermione in the ribs and asked quietly, "Does that mean we have to start being nice to Malfoy?" 

She looked at him pointedly, "Would you rather Mary Sue?"  Who I should mention at this point was being forcefully held back by her twin Gary Stu and was screaming, "I'll get you Potter, if it's the last thing I do…I'll get you Potter and your pretty dog too!" 

Ron wrinkled his noise and promptly stuck out his hand.

"Well Draco, how are you?  Any good Muggle torturing lately?"  The three Gryffindors and one Slytherin looked at each other and promptly laughed.  And of course scooted away from the two twins as Mary Stu began to growl and foam at the mouth.

            Those American born fifth year transfer students can be pretty scary when they put their mind to it.

Must be something in the water!

THE END


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